Good lord, I can’t believe this thing is still working. It’s been…how many years since I’ve logged into this thing?

(Checks oldest date on unmoderated spam comments)

…Yeeesh.

I’d say that I’d worry most of you might have been concerned I was dead except there’s maybe a half dozen or so of you who know me in meatspace and have seen me up and about regularly. So either I’m a zombie and don’t know it or just apathetic.

Ok, apathetic. I like my meat rare but the thought of brains squicks me out something awful.

So why am I dusting the mountain of dust and cobwebs off this damn thing? Well…

  1. It’s NaNoWriMo time, and even though I haven’t tried to write anything for NaNo in more than 8 years (and haven’t actually finished in longer), I still hang with a lot of people who do this crazy thing. Hell, this is how long it’s been since I’ve been on here. One of said friends has turned one NaNo novel into an actual honest-to-god published book. Hell, she’s put two of the out, has a couple more in the can with one of those due to be released next year. Oh and she popped a baby out too (Hi, Audrey!) Anyway one of said peeps challenged me to write 1000 words a week on anything. Not a novel, not a short story unless I really wanted to. Just 1k per week. And naturally I’m already behind.
  2. But the thing of it is, I actually have a story in my head that has some potential. I’ve told most of y’all about it. The ones who haven’t heard, ask me when you see it again. Maybe that’ll keep me honest on trying to make it happen. I think it would work better as a screenplay than a novel, and I’ve never tried my hand at one of those. So what the hell, if I’m going to do the impossible why not go all the way, right?
  3. I’ve wished I could think of something to say here for the longest time. It sucks so bad feeling so stuck about just putting words down.  I mean, maybe everything I say is trash, maybe not. But if it’s garbage, keeping it in house is just making everything around me stink. And what good does that do me?

It’s that last that really feels the worst. I don’t think I’ve ever discussed this with anyone outside of group, but I really think my time with Quirkee really jaded me in an awful way. I never got any kind of constructive feedback geared towards trying to make me a better writer. I just threw stuff out and they put it up. I mean, there were the aforementioned friends in this circle that were helping me with rough edits and some constructive feedback. But in the end, there’s only so much I can do and I let myself believe that it didn’t really matter how good or bad anything I wrote was if they were just gonna throw it up to provide content anyway.

And I feel to a small degree like that skepticism has been in the back of my head now about EVERYTHING I do. I know I’m really good at what I do at work (well, did…I’m trying out a new gig within the company that may be permanent but that’s a story for another day). But lately I’ve gotten it in my head with this new group that I have to be perfect to be able to stick with it, and anything less than that will spell the end of my career.

That’s pretty fucked up, if I’m being honest about it.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to talk about. The last year to eighteen months has seen some of the best movies I’ve seen in ages. I sold my house since the last time I was on here.  Hell, I’ve been to Europe TWICE since the last time I was on here.

I’ve been trying to get off this shneid as much as I can. I’ve been encouraged in therapy to try and put together a vision board. What do I want for my future? How do I make it a reality?

The first thing that went up on the board was a declaration I made at my birthday this year. I have made it an absolute priority to put together the buy-in to play at the World Series of Poker Main Event this year. $10k feels like a serious commitment, especially since there’s a non-zero percent chance I’m just lighting it on fire. But I love playing cards, I feel like I’m a better player now than I’ve been in years. And the Main Event is to poker players what The Masters is for golfers. But ANYONE can play in the Main.

If not now, when? If I can make it happen, why shouldn’t I go for it.

There’s some travel goals in there as well. My mom had talked a few years ago about taking one of the Rocky Mountaineer tours of Canada. Originally it was going to be her, Pop and myself. But she took a pass on this last trip to Europe, and on some levels I’m sad she didn’t go. When we got back, I asked her if she was interested in taking the train trip next year. There’s a chance that may happen.

Longer term, I also put Australia on the board as well. That’s always been a serious dream for me. Maybe get New Zealand in the mix as well. My brother and sister-in-law are also talking Japan to visit their son. That wouldn’t be shabby either.

I put a relationship as a goal but that feels more problematic for a lot of different reasons. My psyche on that front has been fragile for a while, but feeling like I don’t have anything meaningful to say (either here or in the world at large) makes meeting people kind of a challenge. I know in my head it’s not true, but I’ve got to get more practice ignoring that voice inside my head that says otherwise.

Which brings us here. I’ve gotten more than my goal for what I was challenged to. That’s a plus. I know the words are there. I just need to put them out there. And if only two people read them, that’s two more than would have if they’d stayed locked up in my head for forever.

As they said in What About Bob?, “Baby steps.”

So we’ll leave it here for now and start fresh tomorrow. Hell, I’ve already sunk the money into the web hosting for how many years now? May as well get my money’s worth.

So until then…see you tomorrow.


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